Mindset
When I became a father, my brother, who is a teacher, recommended a book called, “Hold on to Your Kids”. Written by Gabor Mate a renown MD, and Gordon Neufled an Doctor of Psychology, in it the two try to tackle one of the most disturbing trends we see today: children increasingly looking to their peers for direction, their values, identity, and codes of behavior.
They describe a primary form of attachment that all human beings first explore with their parents. This natural and innate form of attachment ensures that they will be well stewarded and directed by they parents who, in general, naturally seek their children’s best interest.
They describe over the course of the last 30+ years an erosion of the family nucleus resulting in an earlier peer orientation and eventual peer attachment that undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile, and sexualized youth culture.
As the authors explain in the book, children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated; being “cool” matters more to them than anything else.
The authors explain the causes of this crucial breakdown of parental influence—and demonstrate ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back their children’s loyalty and love.
One of the things they ascribe to is the concept of traditions and forms of structure that children can anchor to and remain attached to even in the most challenging time of their development.
When I first read the book, I was truly drawn to this concept of anchoring through traditions. I recognized right away that in any of the successful group dynamics I have witnessed in my career and life, the structures and the traditions create anchor points from which one can push off and land each time one takes a risk, reaches higher, tries something new, or just gets after it!
Wether you are a parent dealing with the changes and growith of your child, or you are simply leading or supporting others in the successful execution of a plan or a strategy, the concept of establishing anchors and traditions can be a game changer.
Of course, everyone needs differing amounts of “flux” or “flow” in their life so that they feel alive. The same thing day after day becomes mundane and empty, so we inject moments of opportunity, change, and adrenaline rush into our lives, and everyone has a different threshold for how challenging or off the hook these experiences need to be to keep life stimulating.
But we all need a grounding point, a foundation from which to fly and these grounding points rest in the type of structures and traditions that we hold true and honour in our lives regularly.
Whether its beginning the day with a walk or a workout, checking your social media, waking up to a hot cup of coffee or a tea, finishing the day by journaling or a great conversation with your partner, these structures provide us with rest stops and points to ponder or simply be empty of thought. These structures create points of debarkation for the next adventure of the day.
Traditions like bringing the entire family together for Sunday dinner, booking a vacation in the same location each year on the same dates, talking on the phone once a week with distant loved ones, or gathering the clan for Thanksgiving are strong anchors that keep the family and those we care about close and connected.
Its important to determine which structures and traditions in your life bring you, and those you lead or support, a sense of foundation. If the opportunity to sit for dinner with your partner and children (if you have them) allows you to feel better connected to them, then ensure this part of your life remains steadfast.
If journaling on a daily basis creates clarity for you, then make this a sacred past time. The better you understand your fundamental foundation for success, the more you will thrive when you know its solid.
However, when structures and traditions in your life are interrupted, don’t panic! Realize that this too is part of life, there will be moments when our foundation elements must be re-patterned or revised, go with it, not against it. Experience it, evaluate it, and see if there is anything that comes of your new day that perhaps might be incorporated in your program.
Experimentation creates reflection, learning and revision. That’s how we get better and better.
Whatever your traditions, identify them and honour them as they will anchor you, and provide you with the foundation from which to fly!
Best,
Scotty
