My father and mother divorced when I was sixteen years old.  I really didn’t get to have much of a relationship with my Dad, and in later years, when perhaps I could have, he lived 1000s of miles away.

My Dad passed in 2002.

Why do I tell you this?  

Well, often one or both of our parents act in a manner of mentorship in our life. After the early years when they organize and construct our lives, they become sounding boards, or advisors in much of what we explore.

I didn’t have that in my life. But even if I did, most likely my father wouldn’t have known what to say to me in many situations I ran into in life, because he had no experience or perspective about much of what I was exploring.

My Dad was a diplomat, intelligent and well spoken, worldly and accomplished. But he didn’t know much about the world of human performance that I lived in through most of my life.

I was lucky in life, at a number of key moments in my life, there was someone who represented mentorship by my side.  Each and every time, they provided me with the necessary support and direction to help me steward my career.

That being said, I never had a formal arrangement with anyone, and much of the advice or direction I got from my mentors was adhoc and sporadic.  I always felt supported, but I am sure I missed much of what I could have explored just because I didn’t know any better.

All through my life I set goals, drove hard toward them, achieved them, and then looked toward the next one.  I always had this feeling of emptiness after accomplishing things. I couldn’t figure out why, I just didn’t feel satisfied.  My mentors were great at helping me achieve my goals, but no one ever asked me why I wanted them.

No one, especially myself.  I knew what I wanted, but I never contemplated why I wanted it, or why it mattered to me.  It was as though this was all what I was supposed to do.  What life prescribed for me.

Until about ten years ago now when I engaged the support of a mentor.  Someone who provided me with a construct on which to self-assess, and self-explore.  A process of understanding how my mindset determined my choices, and how I could better understand my choices based on anchors I created for myself.  How could I drive my own bus so to speak.

Formal mentorship arrangements are not a guarantee that you will find yourself making the right decisions every time, or avoiding every pitfall, but they do give you a better chance of navigating life with less of the drama.

More importantly, a good mentor will help you understand the hard you want to do, the hard you choose to do, and why you want to do it.  When you know why, you’re more apt to step through the challenge, and when you complete the process, you will better own the outcomes.

One of the biggest gifts I received from a mentor was the understanding that I would never arrive. There was no finish line.  Life is an iterative process, and owning the process of your internal growth is the ultimate voyage, not the destination.

Mentorship is not something we should seek in times of chaos and distress, it’s what we should align with before such times occur.  We also don’t need to wait until we hit our mid-life crisis to recognize the value, we can begin to purposefully craft our lives from the moment we begin to take charge of our direction.

If you’re looking for formal mentorship, I start my next cohort of the LYM Life Lab on September 10th at 7 pm EST.  

Send me a reply note if you want more information or book a call.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where they never asked you a question or served the proverbial ball to you?

You know the situation, you open up with a “How are you, what’s going on in your life?”  And they begin to tell you everything that is happening and has happened, somehow never returning the favor.

Or maybe they finally ask you how you are, and after you’ve responded with a few stories, they once again shift the direction of the conversation to themselves.

A good conversation is a dance.  It’s two people with a bend on curiosity, listening, digesting, flowing, and understanding.

Yes, understanding!  

Meaning, you get what the other person is sharing, and you ask questions to clarify, or interpret.

Then you volley, like a tennis match, you counterpoint or elaborate on an idea. You expose a need for more context or content.  You are interested, and so are they!

Not every interaction can be a conversation. Sometimes there is a utility in the interaction, a need to achieve something, move through something, or negotiate.

I’m not talking about those kinds of conversations.

These are the moments you cultivate. You arrange a connection to share, catch up, or go deeper with someone you care about.

They’re meant to be an intricate dance. A flow of back and forth.  An expansion and exploration.

Not verbal diarrhea!

Breath, pause, listen, understand, and be curious.

If you’re in a conversation, and you find yourself thinking about what you will be saying next, and how you will respond…….you’re not listening!!

Intentional listening requires you to hear what the other person says, and then find something interesting to expose or clarify.

When both people do this, the conversation becomes rich and powerful.  It ebbs and flows.

You find yourself moving from subject matter to subject matter. One moment talking about a business project, then next discussing your kids or relationships, and then suddenly flowing in and out of current events.

Exploring your belief systems, your philosophies, and those of your counterpart.  It’s a mutual desire to understand each other.

The deeper it gets the idea is not to proselytize or preach, it’s to debate and discuss.

Debate, OMG…..no one can debate anymore. No one wants to have a favorable disagreement.

Great conversations can be heated, and challenging. They can expose us to doubt and re-thinking.

But what a conversation isn’t, is an opportunity to tell someone else about your shit, and never ask a question or seem interested in the person across from you.

You should leave a conversation enriched, informed, and maybe in some cases changed.

Ask yourself this question the next time you’re out with a friend and having an evening of conversation.  When you’re heading home, evening complete, ask yourself what you learned about your friend.  

Ask yourself what you know now that you didn’t know then.

Trouble responding?  

You just had a one-way interaction, not a conversation.  You can do better than that…….right?

You’re richer for listening.

Friendship……

It’s an interesting word because it can connote a myriad of meanings.

My friend might just mean someone I’ve met a few times, a word one might use to infer some sort of connection to a mutual acquaintance in a conversation.

It might describe someone you spend a lot of time around, work with, or hang with from time to time.  You know who they are, they know who you are, and there’s something of interest that brings you together.

Maybe it’s someone you bump into regularly, share a bus ride, or lunch table with each day.

It’s a word that can mean a lot of things.

But the real word, the real meaning…..well that’s intended for people who we really care about, and who really care about us.

A friend, at his or her heart, is meant to mean something deeper, more important, and real.

A friend is someone you’ll go to bat for, step up for, give up for.

You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

You know when they’re not around, or when they’re far away.

You can count on a friend.  They matter to you, and you matter to them.

How many of those do you have?  

How many people really get to know you? How many people do you really know?  

How many people are your friend?

Why is this so important?

A number of studies have explored what seems to create the greatest quality of life, the equation of happiness for lack of a better word.  What makes life worth living?

Most of the time, the central figure in our quality of life is our quality of friendship.  Meaningful friendship.  Real connection, real sharing, real life.

We’re really lucky if we have a handful of these real friends, we’re rich beyond measure if we have more.

But friendship is a two way street, you gotta give if you want to get.  Letting people in is the key ingredient. 

Be selective.

Be picky.

But don’t be alone.

Who are your real friends……..?