I know not how much time I have left, but that time will be spent with those I love for those that matter, including me.

Recently, I took the afternoon with my wife to go to a local spa and just give ourselves two hours of recovery time and connection. Time for me to be still.

We work hard just like everyone else. We needed that time.

We didn’t need to talk, we just took time together, held hands and hugged, and let our minds wander in our stillness.

You see, it’s in the stillness that we find our truth, when we let our mind wander and observe and listen.

Scary you say?

Yes, it can be, your mind loves to live in the negative, but at the same time, if you just give your mind the time to unwind the ball of yarn, quite often you’ll see and hear the solutions you need, or the truth you need to recognize.

We clutter our lives with things to do, projects to complete, useless conversations, media of every sort.  

When do you allow your mind to just run free?  

I liken it to having more and more tabs open and programs running on your computer, eventually you begin to notice how slow it’s running, it glitches, or downright crashes!

Stillness, internal conversation, and even boredom are necessary “reboots” for your brain, just like quality sleep.  

But if you always ignore or avoid this stillness, you avoid the freedom it can ignite to really explore yourself and what is truly possible within you.

These last few years, I’ve been running a program, on my own, and Jaime and I run one together, to help people do better for themselves.

I’ve been struck by just how hard it is to get people, especially those in human performance, to actually take the time to take care of themselves.  Even an hour a week seems an inordinate amount of time to simply dedicate to you.

It’s not a judgment, but an observation, a conundrum of sorts.

Here we rest in a field dedicated to supporting the high performance of others, and yet we struggle with doing right by ourselves.  

Even if you aren’t in the field of human performance, it’s not unusual for most people to just not do right by themselves.

We won’t give ourselves permission, and by covert inference, we eliminate it from all those who matter most around us.

Our health suffers, our families suffer, and we suffer silently.

Seems like mental health is a daily conversation these days. But the secret doesn’t reside in mico-manging the outcomes of our lives, but in the day-to-day dedication to doing right by us and by those who matter.

Despite all the strategies, books, and programs that exist, sometimes it’s just the simple gift to yourself that will make the real difference.

A daily dose of stillness, a weekly moment alone, a monthly spa day, these are all just opportunities to let your mind go free, and in turn give it the rest and reboot it needs to succeed.

You deserve it.

A river is a beautiful and natural example of the power of structure and flow.  In order for the water to produce change and drive growth of the many elements of nature that depend on it’s power, it must constantly be moving.

But without the structure of the banks, the rocks and the natural terrain on which the water moves, it would remain a stagnant pool, and eventually dry up from the power of the sun and wind.

The structure and the flow dynamics create the successful outcome.

But this ideal doesn’t just exist in nature as we experience it.  Structure and flow dynamics are an essential part of the success of any human being’s journey in life.

Structures and traditions in life are anchor points that you can push off from, and land on, each time you take a risk, reach higher, try something new, or just get after it!

That being said, everyone needs differing amounts of “flux” or “flow” in their life so that they feel alive. The same thing day after day becomes mundane and empty, so injecting moments of opportunity, change, and adrenaline rush into your life can expose the possibilities, and overcome inertia.

Everyone has a different threshold for how challenging or off the hook such experiences need to be to keep life stimulating, that’s for you to expose, but exploring and experiencing is the key to knowing what works and what doesn’t. 

Avoiding serves no purpose.

That said, you need a grounding point, a foundation from which to fly and these grounding points rest in the type of structures and traditions that you hold true and honour in your life regularly.

Perhaps its beginning the day with the newspaper, checking your social media, journaling, or waking up to a hot cup of coffee or a tea. 

Or, maybe it’s finishing the day by counting your wins, a good stretch session, or a great conversation with your partner, these structures provide us with rest stops and points to ponder or simply be empty of thought. 

These structures create points of embarkation for the next adventure you might choose.

Traditions like bringing the entire family together for Sunday dinner, booking a vacation in the same location each year on the same dates, talking on the phone once a week with distant loved ones, or gathering the clan for special holidays are strong anchors that keep the family and those you care about close and connected.

Its important to determine which structures and traditions in your life bring you a sense of foundation. 

If the opportunity to sit for dinner with your partner and children (if you have them) allows you to feel better connected to them, then ensure that this part of your life remains steadfast. 

If journaling on a daily basis creates clarity for you, then make this a sacred pastime. The better you understand your fundamental foundation for success, the more you will thrive when you know your foundation is solid.

However, when structures and traditions in your life are interrupted don’t panic. Realize that this too is part of life, there will be moments when our foundation elements must be re-patterned or revised, go with it, not against it. 

Experience it, evaluate it, and see if there is anything that comes of your new day that perhaps might be incorporated in your program.

Experimentation creates reflection, learning and revision. That’s how we get better and better.

Whatever your traditions, identify them and honour them as they will provide you with the foundation from which to fly!

Do you struggle with this idea of knowing your purpose?

Like many, maybe the thought of it makes you frustrated because you can’t describe it, or name it?

Or maybe you’re like a precious few who just seem to “know”.

I guess the biggest issue either way is this sense that it is a thing……..a noun……this is my “Purpose”.

But purpose is not a noun, it’s a verb, it’s a way of being, doing, acting, exploring, creating, manifesting.

It’s not stationary, a destination, or a point of embarkation……it’s constant, evolving, and empowering.

It’s a compass that directs you, but not a map that confines you.

On the podcast I routinely share from a book I picked up many years ago now called “The Day You Were Born”. It’s written by a woman by the name of Linda Joyce.  I’ve actually interviewed her in one of my early episodes.

Linda is an astrologer and despite what you might think of astrology, she’s made a career out of exploring it, and in this book she artfully integrates her astrology practice with the practice of numerology.

The reason I bought the book (I’ve told this story a bunch of times on the podcast, so if you’ve heard it you can skip the next few lines) was that when I started perusing the book at a store one day back in 2001, I flipped to the section on Sagatarius, and found Sag 3, (I am born on December 3rd, but it can also be the combination of 12, 21, or 30) and I started to read it.

Linda always starts with a description of your purpose.  Then she includes just after the purpose description, a quote.

My favorite quote has always been, “Some men see things as they are and ask, Why? I dream things that never were, and say, Why not?” It was originally spoken by the author George Bernard Shaw, but Bobby Kennedy made it famous as his own.

I love the possibility of that quote.  The purpose it infers.

And that was the quote she connected to Sag 3…….Wow!

I was floored, how could this be? I had that exact quote taped to the top of my desktop computer, what are the chances?!

So I re-read the purpose (which I had already been struck by).

“To use your courage, strength, and perseverance to go beyond the limitations of the thoughts and ideas of those in power, creating your own unique beliefs that challenge the old and uplift the spirits of those who meet you.”

Gives me chills just to write it again.

It’s been the way of me for as long as I can remember.  I always see the possibility of change, how can it be done better, what is the opportunity?  My father told me he thought I was like a turtle, slowly, steadily making my world (persevering).  

I absolutely love how it expresses my purpose. Like I said at the beginning, it’s not a destination or a thing, it’s an abstract expression of being.  How I deport myself, what I move towards, what I mean to create, it’s all about sharing my unique beliefs so that others can be inspired.

Linda then goes on to describe what it is to be and live this purpose, what it feels and looks like. She uses stories to explore each character.  She even gets into what the personality expression might be if it is driven from ego or from spirit, and she aligns with characters of history (mine were Winston Churchill and Mark Twain).

I share these with the guests on the LYM podcast, and I have to say that 8 times out of 10 the person is literally dumbfounded.  They can’t believe the synergy with their life and spirit.

Now I don’t for one moment believe this is the ultimate truth, it’s really just an expression of the human spirit and all that influences “who” we are and “who” we become.

But what I do love about it as a starting point is the essence of it’s meaning. It’s not a purpose, like some defined thing you are meant to do, become, or have. It’s a way of living your life.

How do you feel you should be carrying yourself? What means something to you? What do you care about? Who do you care about?

The more you explore the values you wish to expose, the way you wish to be interpreted, and the meaning of your work, how you wish to be remembered, the closer you will be to knowing your purpose.

Wishing you your greatest gift.

I recently heard a quote, shared by a colleague, from Kirby Smart, the Head Coach of the Georgia Bulldog’s football team.

He was holding a press conference, and he began by saying that there is a great deal of education and literature available in the area of leadership.  

But he wanted to expose an area that he’s rarely seen written about.  

The dark side of leadership. The human cost of being a leader.

He shared these three truths of the dark side that I thought were extremely valuable and thought provoking.  

When you find yourself in a leadership role:

1 – You will have to make hard decisions that negatively affect people you care about

2 – You will be disliked despite your best attempt to do the best for the most

3 – You will be misunderstood and you won’t always be able to have a chance to explain yourself

Ultimately, leadership is a lonely place.  

Those in leadership roles don’t always realize until they are stationed in such positions, or find themself being looked towards for leadership, that this dark side exists.

You can establish feedback mechanisms, opportunity for those you lead to provide insight and viewpoint, but ultimately you need to make the decisions that count.

I heard another quote from Pittsburgh Steeler Head Coach Mike Tomlin recently, when asked by a sideline reporter; who does he go to for trust and advice when adversity hits his locker room?  

He said, “Increasingly over the years, No one. As long as I’ve been in this job and the longer that I continue to be in this job, I’ve learned that leadership is a lonely thing. People can make suggestions, but I make the decisions and I get compensated to tow the load.”

What I infer in this quote is a sense that he most likely does “hear” and “take” feedback and viewpoint, but ultimately, he has to make the decision based on a number of factors that not everyone in his circle of influence is privy to, or understands.

He has to make the decisions even though he knows not everyone will agree with him, or like what he decides. He has accepted that fate.

Ultimately, the great leaders surround themselves with good people they can trust to make good decisions on their behalf, but even good people make mistakes, or do the wrong thing at the wrong time, and it costs the organization or the team.

Real leadership means you don’t defer the responsibility, you take the responsibility. As Coach Tomlin says, you are likely being compensated for just that responsibility. But taking responsibility might also mean releasing or reprimanding someone who made a mistake.

Being in a leadership position doesn’t make it easy, or comfortable to have to reprimand or perhaps even fire someone you have come to trust and value because the situation calls for such a decision.

Ultimately we all hope that others respect us when we lead, but we also need to become clear that respect and being liked are not the same thing.  You hope to be respected for how you carry yourself, how you take responsibility, and how you carry out your mission.  

But not everyone will like you, or like your decisions.

As coach Smart so eloquently acknowledges in his third observation, you won’t always get a chance to explain yourself.  

It takes time, requires context and often a large amount of “data” to clearly understand or explain a decision, and most leaders don’t get the time or opportunity to share this information. 

In many instances, even if they were granted the time and attention, they could not reveal certain facts as such revelation might cause harm or be misconstrued.

Better sometimes to just grin and bear it.

Leadership is not for the faint of heart, and it requires a thick skin.  Leadership is hard.

When you decide to rise to the responsibility of leadership, recognize there will be much reward, but there will be equal or greater discomfort.

Leadership has its privileges, and its pain.

I wondered about it recently, the source of so much suffering and conflict in the world today.

What is it?

I’ve always been a “Why?” guy.  What is the reason for the outcome we are experiencing?  Why is this happening in the first place?

The intention of all the great religions of humanity is to bring people together, to provide a moral compass, to build community, and to support one another in difficulty.  

The pursuit of a worthy ideal without question.

Capitalism or socialism?  

In one we find the essence of growth, prosperity and equal opportunity, on the other a sense of community, care of our fellow human, and a shared sense of purpose.  

Again, the pursuit of a worthy ideal.

Liberal or conservative.  One seeking individual expression, self-exploration, and unbridled opportunity, the other wishing for shared values, anchoring beliefs, and the notion that there is strength in what has been.

Nothing wrong with such intentions.

Where it all seems to go wrong is when the central driver of such belief systems rests in the notion of power.

What is power?  

Effectively it’s control, control of current and future circumstances.  The notion that when one has power, one can control destiny and outcome.

Why is it important?

Well, that’s when we get to the true “Why” proposition.

Fear of the ultimate outcome. Fear of death.

Neuroscience tells us that the thinking brain grew up after the limbic brain. The limbic brain’s main purpose is to recognize threats, and keep us safe.  

The limbic mind is the prime directive.

Our cognitive mind, the thinking mind, has grown to be capable of overriding the limbic response or reaction, but that requires practice, patience, preparation, and a lot of self-realization.

With all that overwhelms us daily on this planet, all that demands our attention, our cognitive brains can be fooled, overloaded, out whited, and constantly over-thinking.

When that happens, the limbic brain takes over, drives us towards things that we perceive as safe, and so our belief systems, our religions, politics, and philosophies become our protection.

We find power in the notion that we are right and they are wrong, we are better and they are worse, we belong and they do not.

Power is false prophecy.  It’s the notion of control.

If we can control the outcome, maybe we can control the ultimate outcome?

Not happening.

All the richest, the most powerful, the best, the greatest, the wealthiest, they all live and die.  No one has ever controlled that outcome.

Power may provide the powerful with some transient or even sustained belief that they have control, but unfortunately, one day it will be lost.  In the meantime what is the cost?

The cost of isolation, fear mongering, imposition upon another, judgment, and constant comparison.

Power is us versus them, me versus you, one versus another.

Power is always looking behind you, while you pine for what may come.  There is no presence in power, only fear of loss of power.

Can we dispense with power?  Not likely, it has existed since humanity has existed.  Unfortunately it’s part of the nature of being.

So how do we combat this nature?

I would suggest we spend more time on how we live now than what we have or seek to gain in the future.  All we really have is this moment, so how can we actually be in it?

Finding ways to allow our cognitive brains the availability to manage our limbic brains.  Reducing distraction, stress, overwhelm, and fatigue allows our cognitive brain to have a chance.

A chance to see the worthy ideal in our belief systems, and not the power and imposition born of fear.

Can we focus on what we have, not on what we have not?

Presence is true power.  The power to touch, feel, taste, smell, hear, and see are the senses we were blessed with so that we would find value in each moment.

Touch the people you love

Taste the food you cultivate

Smell the air you breath

Hear the sounds all around you

See the incredible views

It all sounds cliche until you actually lean in.  We spend so much time missing the time that passes, hoping for the time that will come. Wishing we were somehow more powerful, so we could control the uncontrollable.

What a waste.