What has been your cost of success?

I often ask this question to guests on Leave Your Mark.  At what cost has the success you’ve had professionally or personally come?

Most of the time, people answer that they’ve compromised relationships or their health.

Fascinating.

For 72 years, researchers at Harvard have been examining this question, “what is the key to a good life?” 

They followed men who entered college in the late 1930s through war, career, marriage and divorce, parenthood and grandparenthood, and old age. 

After starting with 724 participants—boys from disadvantaged and troubled families in Boston, and Harvard undergraduates.  The study incorporated the spouses of the original men and, more recently, more than 1,300 descendants of the initial group. 

It is the longest in-depth longitudinal study on human life ever done, and it brought the researchers  to a simple and profound conclusion:

Good relationships lead to health and happiness. 

The trick is that those relationships must be nurtured.

So here we are compromising relationships AND our health to be successful!!!

So many people say this, and in some ways quite cavalierly, like it’s a reasonable cost associated with being good or great at something, or having success as our sociological influences would describe it.

Having things, doing things, being things that people look up to or admire.  That is success in the mind’s eye.  

And yet, near the end of life, the lament is always, I should have spent more time with my family, I wish I’d taken better care of myself.

I guess there are three questions worth answering here:

1 – Is Success actually about acquiring things, achieving things, or being something or someone others admire or wish to emulate?

2 – Can you have success as described above without compromising your health or relationships?

3 – If you can’t, is there another way to describe or define success?

That’s the key really, what are you using as your compass leading towards success?  What is a complete expression of this truth, not sociologically misguided aspirations.

Aspiring to do things, accomplish things, or create things is absolutely the essence of being human.  But the argument about who is successful does not rest in the end point, or completion of the objective, it rests in the effort and intent to actualize it.

Can you bring quality effort, and intention, yet still reserve some of yourself for the actualizing of love, kindness and contribution for those who mean everything to you?

Does being a good father or mother mean you can’t be a good pilot, or doctor, or construction worker?

Are you successful if you are a good construction worker, teacher, or parent?

Does one leave one’s mark in that which gets noticed and celebrated, or is a mark left when the contribution remains unknown, or simply understood by the few rather than the many?

The fact that something we achieve or do becomes recognized should be an incidental outcome, not a focus of identity or achievement.

Do it because you love it. Be with them because you love them.  Be where your feet are, be present, be connected, and always do your best.

Words to live by.

In such effort can most certainly reside the actualization of a dream living in the presence of friendship and love.

When I became a father, my brother, who is a teacher, recommended a book called, “Hold on to Your Kids”. Written by Gabor Mate a renown MD, and Gordon Neufled an Doctor of Psychology, in it the two try to tackle one of the most disturbing trends we see today: children increasingly looking to their peers for direction, their values, identity, and codes of behavior.

They describe a primary form of attachment that all human beings first explore with their parents. This natural and innate form of attachment ensures that they will be well stewarded and directed by they parents who, in general, naturally seek their children’s best interest.

They describe over the course of the last 30+ years an erosion of the family nucleus resulting in an earlier peer orientation and eventual peer attachment that undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile, and sexualized youth culture.

As the authors explain in the book, children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated; being “cool” matters more to them than anything else.

The authors explain the causes of this crucial breakdown of parental influence—and demonstrate ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back their children’s loyalty and love.

One of the things they ascribe to is the concept of traditions and forms of structure that children can anchor to and remain attached to even in the most challenging time of their development.

When I first read the book, I was truly drawn to this concept of anchoring through traditions. I recognized right away that in any of the successful group dynamics I have witnessed in my career and life, the structures and the traditions create anchor points from which one can push off and land each time one takes a risk, reaches higher, tries something new, or just gets after it!

Wether you are a parent dealing with the changes and growith of your child, or you are simply leading or supporting others in the successful execution of a plan or a strategy, the concept of establishing anchors and traditions can be a game changer.

Of course, everyone needs differing amounts of “flux” or “flow” in their life so that they feel alive. The same thing day after day becomes mundane and empty, so we inject moments of opportunity, change, and adrenaline rush into our lives, and everyone has a different threshold for how challenging or off the hook these experiences need to be to keep life stimulating.

But we all need a grounding point, a foundation from which to fly and these grounding points rest in the type of structures and traditions that we hold true and honour in our lives regularly.

Whether its beginning the day with a walk or a workout, checking your social media, waking up to a hot cup of coffee or a tea, finishing the day by journaling or a great conversation with your partner, these structures provide us with rest stops and points to ponder or simply be empty of thought. These structures create points of debarkation for the next adventure of the day.

Traditions like bringing the entire family together for Sunday dinner, booking a vacation in the same location each year on the same dates, talking on the phone once a week with distant loved ones, or gathering the clan for Thanksgiving are strong anchors that keep the family and those we care about close and connected.

Its important to determine which structures and traditions in your life bring you, and those you lead or support, a sense of foundation. If the opportunity to sit for dinner with your partner and children (if you have them) allows you to feel better connected to them, then ensure this part of your life remains steadfast.

If journaling on a daily basis creates clarity for you, then make this a sacred past time. The better you understand your fundamental foundation for success, the more you will thrive when you know its solid.

However, when structures and traditions in your life are interrupted, don’t panic! Realize that this too is part of life, there will be moments when our foundation elements must be re-patterned or revised, go with it, not against it. Experience it, evaluate it, and see if there is anything that comes of your new day that perhaps might be incorporated in your program.

Experimentation creates reflection, learning and revision. That’s how we get better and better.

Whatever your traditions, identify them and honour them as they will anchor you, and provide you with the foundation from which to fly!

Best,

Scotty

I lost my mother this past week…….94 years young.  

She passed peacefully with the care of her nurses, PSW’s, and doctor. Thank you.

By her side were some wonderful friends from her church who hovered over her these past many months, and made sure she was safe and warm. Thank you.

Time can be cruel sometimes, and I missed being with her in her last moments.  Perhaps fortuitous, as I would rather remember her as I experienced on the last visit I made shortly before her 94th birthday.

I made her laugh.  

Perhaps my most favorite thing to do, and more important my favorite memory.  My mom loved to laugh, she loved a good joke, or a good comedy.

Her laugh and smile, and ability to laugh about her own foibles was perhaps, among many, her most endearing quality.  

She made you feel heard. 

She had a great humility.

It’s been hard. Hard to watch her become less able.  This rock of life who I always knew had more strength in her left pinky than I had in my whole body.

Born in the depression, a part of the so called “Silent Generation”, they spent young adulthood in a post-war period. This group is known for accepting rather than speaking out, and accepting modest means with little complaint.

My mom was a victim of numerous lifethreatening diseases, and a lifetime of challenge and loss.  Through it all, she always smiled, never complained, always made the best of the difficult situation.

Her friends always remarked to me, how she would never complain.  She would speak up if she felt there was an injustice or incogruency in life, but she never complained about her circumstances.

My mom was a ROCK.

I think the thing my mother was most proud of was the boys she chose to raise. Brad and I were both adopted by this wonderful soul.

She didn’t have to choose us, we got pretty lucky I’d say!

She always revelled in knowing what things we’d been up to, what new worlds we were experiencing.  

She always listened, and a great pride would rise in her face as she saw our passion and our growth expressed in our stories.

Our stories told, just like most mothers do, she would ask us if everything was ok, as though she would swoop in and fix all that wasn’t right if and when she had to, but she never had to.  

Ok, maybe a few times when were were young 😉 LOL

We were her greatest pride until one day her wonderful grand-daughter Gretchen was born.  We were no match for this little package.  Lois was especially proud to be Grandma.

My only regret is she only got her wish to be Grandma after she had turned 78, and she didn’t get to spend the time I know she would have loved simply because it was just too much.

Time was passing, like it does for all of us.

Slowly, the water and the winds of time eroded the rock, and the rock became a pebble, and the pebble became a grain of sand, and now that grain of sand has blown away, never to be seen or heard again.

But the sand will find it’s resting place, she is now a part of us, oh how we miss her so.

Her friends at her church say she is now in paradise.  I just know she is safe, and that’s all that matters to me.

On mother’s day, I celebrate this soul who for a moment, blessed us with her love, kindness, and protection.  

I miss you mom XO.

Scotty

These days, it would seem that it’s even more important to connect with quality life principles.  

Everywhere I look there seems to be a fracture in the foundation of human nature.  We’ve always looked toward our sociological leaders to provide examples of how to treat one another, but this just isn’t the case anymore, they are too consumed with what has become the “strategy” for having influence.

Being bombastic, controversial, or an absolutist sells, so why not join the wave.

We need to double down on a moral compass.  Be examples of what it is to be a partner in society, not a destroyer of society.

The first principle I believe in is to work without complaint. Most people these days perceive that a job, or even better, a career is a right. 

Unfortunately for a great deal of the population of this world, a job that pays them a reasonable and sustainable wage is something they might only dream of, not expect. 

So if you have one, understand that it is a privilege and that the person you work for, or the person who buys your services has provided you with the privilege of serving them. Do it with all you have, and do it like you know it might not be there tomorrow.

The second principle; be gracious and thankful to your parents for bringing you into this world and providing you with a home (that is if they did so, for all those of you who lived tortured lives at home, this one might not be applicable). If your parents brought you up with whatever semblance of structure and provision, and they loved you as best they could, you owe them everything you have to honor their effort. They did the best they could as you are, or may likely do with your own children. Any parent knows it is not an easy task, and it doesn’t come with a playbook!

The third principle is to mentor someone else. We all get to summit our own mountain in life not by the sheer effort of ourselves, but by embracing the support and guidance of so many along the way. Without mentorship, we would likely make too many mistakes to ever achieve our summit. As such, it is our responsibility to mentor others so they may likely summit as well.

The fourth principle is to learn and grow throughout your life. Never stop learning, never stop challenging your thought processes, your habits, or your biases. Those who rest easy, those who take the easy route and do the same thing, do not earn the right to prosper or succeed. 

This life we have been given is a blank canvas and we can paint the picture, we can revise the picture, we can add to it and modify it until such time as we pass away so we should never be satisfied with its composition.

The fifth principle is own your contribution to this world. When you give, you grow, when you take, you self limit. Our life on this planet is about our contribution, it is all we can leave, and it is all that can represent what we have accomplished.

There will be people who take advantage of our contributions. There will be those who do not appreciate what we bring. That is not the point. We cannot live through another’s state of mind; we can only be in charge of our own state of mind which must be driven from a sense of giving, not receiving.

The last principle is to be a lighthouse.  Exemplify something, inspire something, make others believe in something.  Not in judgment but in expression.  Whatever you choose to be or do, do it so that it raises other people up.  If we have more lighthouses, we’ll have a greater feeling of connection and compassion in society as a whole.  

Bring meaning to your life.

Wake up every day and earn this life you have been given.

There is nothing trivial about the blessing of our life, never rest easy that it has been earned.